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Episodes:
1. Judah & Tamar 2. Lot's Wife 3. Abraham 4. Moses 5. Exodus 6. Esther 7. Jephthah's Vow 8. Elijah 9. Ruth & Naomi 10. Job 11. Jacob |
12. David & Jonathan 13. Samson 14. The Infancy Gospel of Thomas 15. Ezekiel 16. Joshua 17. Jael 18. The Proto-Gospel of James 19. Daniel 20. Balaam's Ass 21. Easter 22. Ananias & Sapphira |
EPISODE 22: ananias & sapphira
Were the apostles the OG mafia? Is the Holy Spirit a they/them? Is this Bible story the source of all my trauma around lying? Spoiler alert: Yes, yes, and yes.
EPISODE 21: easter
Start your engines! Judas. Gaga. Saltburn. Dorothy. This one cost me blood, sweat, and White Claws, broh. Perhaps the gayest episode yet?
EPISODE 20: balaam's ass
GET OUT OF MY SWAMP! Y'all knew I had to go big for the 20TH EPISODE of Drunk Bible Stories! Sidebar: why does bad Shrek fanfic low key make the Bible... better?
EPISODE 19: daniel
Fiery furnaces! A lion's den! Who is funding this? Also, I've got some beef with Veggie Tales, and I clearly don't know what the Keto Diet is. 500 points to Gryffindor? Welcome to King Buddy's Babylonian School of Witchcraft & Wizardry!
EPISODE 18: THE PROTO-GOSPEL OF JAMES
There's probably a reason this hidden gem from the Apocrypha didn't make the final cut... it's pretty fucking weird! All kneel for our Lord and Savior Diablo Cody, and the "Proto-Gospel of James" (cough-cough) THE GOSPEL OF THE VIRGIN MARY! Knock back a bright blue Big Gulp and some orange Tic-Tacs for the original doodle that couldn't be undid, homeskillet.
EPISODE 17: jael
The north remembers! Bend the knee! I want her to know it was me! Where are my dragons? ...This may just be the Game of Thronesiest episode yet!
EPISODE 16: joshua
Sippy cups. Cardboard bricks. Pretty women. Hobos. Genocide. And a haunting song from my childhood that is still stuck in my head! Never forget: indoctrination is child abuse! We've come so far...
episode 15: ezekiel
Shiny Sexy God Bitch! Trystan & Sayge! The worst bread recipe EVER! Come trip balls with the prophet who taught Marina Abramovic everything she knows! (Warning: you might get a contact high.)
EPISODE 14: THE INFANCY GOSPEL OF THOMAS
OMG this one isn't even in the REAL BIBLE! Aaaaaaaaand I don't care. It's all fanfic broseph, keep a wrinkle in it! And enjoy this epic Twilight Zone crossover episode, just in time for cornfield season...
EPISODE 13: SAMSON
This is the OG zero to hero, and he is a hot mess, honey! (Also I was going to film myself ripping a stuffed lion in half, but I accidentally pack bonded with it). WHY IS THIS STORY SO FUCKING WEIRD?!
EPISODE 12: DAVID & JONATHAN
Just two wild, gay cowboys, hanging out in the mountains together, hiding from a real mean King who's been possessed by demons sent by God... Is this Brokeback Mountain meets Lord of the Rings? Nope! It's the BIBLE, Y'ALL!
EPISODE 11: JACOB
Sloppy soap operas, hairy boys, drama for days, and bamboozling out the ass, son! Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas in the Bible serving Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent.
EPISODE 10: JOB
Does God have a gambling problem? Is heaven really that boring? Was Job's wife bummed about having a redo on their 10 kids? And although I understand why James Dobson made Satan gay, WHY WAS HE ALSO BRITISH?
EPISODE 9: RUTH & NAOMI
What if Ruth and Naomi weren't roommates? What if one of only TWO stories in the Bible named after a woman was based on a classic 50s lesbian drama? What if I'd realized before filming this that King James inaccurately translated the word "grain" into the word "corn" even though it was a new world species? Only one way to find out, honey.
EPISODE 8: ELIJAH
Castrating Jezebels! Cheeseburger contests! Glamping! Magical jackets! Sexy cows! And what the FUCK was up with those bears? This one is personally dedicated to Mark Driscoll. He knows why. (Don't know who Mark Driscoll is? You lucky duck! Here's the cheat sheet: Mark Driscoll's Elijah series, the "Pussified Nations" rant, and the Mars Hill scandal.)
EPISODE 7: JEPHTHAH'S VOW
The Wild West, biker gangs, dangerous promises, a two month long lesbian mountain orgy, and your Mom's a hoe?! It's not enough to simply deconstruct, I must also punch James Dobson in the face.
EPISODE 6: ESTHER
Happy Purim! It's like "The Bachelorette" meets "Taken." Bonus points if some old lady at church ever came up to you and said that you "had the spirit of Esther!"
EPISODE 5: EXODUS
This is what didn't make it into the movie: Generational trauma, honey. Magic sky bread. Road trip constipation. Mountain retreats. God's BUTT?!?! Sacrifices for dayssssss. Dick skins are OUT. Child human sacrifices are IN???? Ironically, THE BIBLE IS PRO-CHOICE. A Rabbi has some thoughts. And God's Only Fan is Moses.
EPISODE 4: MOSES
Adoption trauma, Burning Man BC, angel assassins, and plagues for dayssssss, honey! Snakes, magic, drama, AND EVEN MORE d*ck skins! Welcome to my first Core Memory re: Biblical trauma. PS: Don't take your 7 year old to see "The Prince of Egypt" on their birthday! They WILL remember it forever.
EPISODE 3: DADDY ABRAHAM
More like Daddy Abraham, am I right? Nations For Daaaaaaaaays, honey. Hall passes. Biblically accurate angels. My cat Cersei's acting debut! The world's worst camping trip. And what is God doing with all those d*ck skins?
EPISODE 2: LOT'S WIFE
DON'T WORRY, IT GETS WORSE! Sarah Ruthless is back with a Bible story that will break your brain: angels, a Starbucks, sex trafficking, everyone's favorite smiting bastard, and a PILLAR OF SALT?!
EPISODE 1: TAMAR & JUDAH
Have you ever wondered about old Bible stories, but wished they could be told to you by a drunk Millennial with braces? Well boy have I got good news for you! Seeds get spilled, husbands get smited, shenanigans abound, and one woman claims her motherforking INHERITANCE, bish.
